So here it goes...
This wasn't how I expected to feel. I thought the end of my senior year would be a breeze. I thought a weight would be lifted and I'd feel excitement for what was to come, but instead I feel hollow. I'm not excited about the future and I'm unsure of where I am going next. Yes, I have options, but doesn't everyone? We're all moving on from school and about to be thrust into the real world or back into school...that alone is an option...but recently my life has started to feel like one huge waiting list. Wait-listed for the school I want to go to, but probably can't afford even if I get in...offered a spot as an alternate for a program that a natural disaster has made nearly unfathomable...and looking forward to what? The bleak alternative of going back to Disney for another year? maybe another two? I'm sure most of the people who end up working at Disney for years didn't plan on being there that long. Unless you're upper management, and sometimes not even then, I don't think anyone really plans on being with Disney forever, but that could be because Disney is not the "magical" place for me that it seems to be for all of the tourists who save up their entire lives to take their family on a single vacation. It's a dark, sad, shell of what Walt Disney envisioned where the cast members are treated like slave labor in most areas and are supposed to paste identical, empty smiles on their faces while the company saps all of their originality through their "Disney Look" handbook and "Traditions" classes. It's definitely not something I want to do forever. I think any alternative would be preferable to being at Disney forever. But being at Disney forever is not part of "the plan."
There's my "plan" and then there's my parent's "plan," that while more logical and economical is not what I want. I want to go to Boston and be a part of the MA program for Publishing and Writing at Emerson, but I've basically been told that's a "dream" I need to let go of, because my parents can't help me financially. Honestly, even if it means taking out millions in loans and working two or three jobs at a time, I know that's where I want to be. The rental unit "plan," involves living at home and going to UCF, which yes, will save me the money I should have been saving throughout my undergrad, but instead wasted on dinners and drinks with friends, but is that the life I want? Not really. I don't want to go back to living at home. I don't want to have to learn to fit back into the mold my parents have of me. Aside from a few bad habits, I like the person I've become while I've been away at school and I'm afraid if I move home I'll lose Her. I'll become that shy, antisocial wallflower I was throughout middle school and high school, never venturing out of the house for anything but work at my hourly, slavish job or to go to school. Being afraid to be an individual and to live my life the way I want to live it, but let's face it...I need to be rational. I need to make a plan that is realistic, rather than set in the dream world.
One of my friends told me to call Emerson, that at least if they couldn't give me a straight answer about when I'd know for sure, that I would gain some brownie points for calling and showing that I wanted to go there enough that I was keeping tabs on the decision-making process...but the guy I spoke to in Grad Admissions merely told me what I already know: "I know it's hard, but you just have to wait. These things take time."
It's not that his "words of wisdom" were really so wise, but they made me remember that waiting patiently has never been my strong suit. The fear of waiting and letting life pass me by has led to many rash decisions; random make outs, spending the night in places I'd rather not remember and doing/saying things I try to forget the next morning. While I know I want some time off before I dive back in...I also don't know how content I'll be just waiting and twiddling my thumbs. The whole application process does "wonders" for my issues of self confidence and self-worth. I'm waiting for them to reject me. Once I thought it was more of a battle, I was waiting, but in my waiting, I was silently challenging them to reject me. Challenging them to call me and have to tell me straight-out that I wasn't the right person for the job or the right person for their school...and now I've realized I'm just waiting, at their mercy, for any scrap they're willing to throw. Maybe that's where the hollow feeling about graduation comes into play. It feels like this is truly where the sidewalk ends and I have to either stay where I am and wait for a new sidewalk, of different choices and options to be constructed, or take the erratic leap off the edge and hope that the landing doesn't jar me too much. So here it goes...
There's my "plan" and then there's my parent's "plan," that while more logical and economical is not what I want. I want to go to Boston and be a part of the MA program for Publishing and Writing at Emerson, but I've basically been told that's a "dream" I need to let go of, because my parents can't help me financially. Honestly, even if it means taking out millions in loans and working two or three jobs at a time, I know that's where I want to be. The rental unit "plan," involves living at home and going to UCF, which yes, will save me the money I should have been saving throughout my undergrad, but instead wasted on dinners and drinks with friends, but is that the life I want? Not really. I don't want to go back to living at home. I don't want to have to learn to fit back into the mold my parents have of me. Aside from a few bad habits, I like the person I've become while I've been away at school and I'm afraid if I move home I'll lose Her. I'll become that shy, antisocial wallflower I was throughout middle school and high school, never venturing out of the house for anything but work at my hourly, slavish job or to go to school. Being afraid to be an individual and to live my life the way I want to live it, but let's face it...I need to be rational. I need to make a plan that is realistic, rather than set in the dream world.
One of my friends told me to call Emerson, that at least if they couldn't give me a straight answer about when I'd know for sure, that I would gain some brownie points for calling and showing that I wanted to go there enough that I was keeping tabs on the decision-making process...but the guy I spoke to in Grad Admissions merely told me what I already know: "I know it's hard, but you just have to wait. These things take time."
It's not that his "words of wisdom" were really so wise, but they made me remember that waiting patiently has never been my strong suit. The fear of waiting and letting life pass me by has led to many rash decisions; random make outs, spending the night in places I'd rather not remember and doing/saying things I try to forget the next morning. While I know I want some time off before I dive back in...I also don't know how content I'll be just waiting and twiddling my thumbs. The whole application process does "wonders" for my issues of self confidence and self-worth. I'm waiting for them to reject me. Once I thought it was more of a battle, I was waiting, but in my waiting, I was silently challenging them to reject me. Challenging them to call me and have to tell me straight-out that I wasn't the right person for the job or the right person for their school...and now I've realized I'm just waiting, at their mercy, for any scrap they're willing to throw. Maybe that's where the hollow feeling about graduation comes into play. It feels like this is truly where the sidewalk ends and I have to either stay where I am and wait for a new sidewalk, of different choices and options to be constructed, or take the erratic leap off the edge and hope that the landing doesn't jar me too much. So here it goes...
Comments
Post a Comment