Water, Water Everywhere, But Not a Drop to Drink...

So as many of my fb statuses have suggested, over the past month or so I've been severely depressed. I think I've said a few times on here how I hate the waiting game and wished it would just be over. Well, the waiting game ended the day after I got home from a friend's wedding in St.Augustine. I didn't get into Emerson. I actually received an e-mail from them asking me to update my address just so they could send me my 5 line rejection form letter. It's not the first rejection letter I've ever received, but it was the first time I've been rejected from a school I wanted to go to. I was accepted into all of the schools I applied to for Undergrad, and after I got the letter from Emerson telling me it was all over, I felt like I'd been slapped. Part of me knew it wasn't going to happen. Part of me thought I wasn't really ready to pick up and move to Boston and go to school there and live on my own. All I could do was wonder what had gone wrong. Was it my recommendations? Was it my personal essay? Was it the fact that I hadn't gotten in all of my financial aid info? Why wasn't I good enough? Just like with JET, they were willing to put me on their wait list and string me along. I used to think outright rejection was worse than any feeling in the world, but after waiting and waiting I now know the nicest thing anyone or any school can do for me is to cut me loose right away so I don't hold out my hopes. 

I've never been a positive person, but at least I can usually maintain some semblance of optimism, if for nothing else than to get myself out of bed in the morning, but for the past months getting out of bed has been difficult. I'm slowly starting to pull myself back out of it now, by recognizing that life won't be this way forever. I have to work, even if it means working for a company in a position that isn't even close to what I aspire to do in the future. I just need to pay the bills and save up until I get the opportunity to go elsewhere. It sounds defeatist, but I really just don't want to apply to any more schools right now. I don't know if it's the fear of rejection, or if it's really I just want the time off to not go anywhere. I just want to take a pause, on my own terms. I know they say the longer you're out of school, the harder it is to go back...but let's face it, they're talking to people who plan on getting married in the interim or having kids or starting some semblance of a life...luckily...or sadly for me, none of those things are going to happen for a long time, if ever, so I think it's fine for me to take a breather from life, so to speak. My dad brought it up today. He asked me what my aspirations are and I had to acknowledge that aside from saving some money, I really don't have any. Along with no aspirations comes a sense of relief. I know the options are endless, but I also know that I'm in no rush to explore any of them. Call it lazy, call it defeatist, call it whatever you want...I really don't care. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Educating Myself: Some Thoughts on "Privilege"

In light of what I've been reading recently and considering within my own life, I think it's ironic that so much of what came before now on this blog reeks of privilege, or "privilege." Specifically, my (previously) unidentified white female privilege. In my own defense, and many might argue I shouldn't be able to defend myself, 2011 and 2012 were not exactly times of massive introspection for anyone in terms of privilege outside of some academic circles. And even now, when privilege and those who have it have become the center of attention in the fight to equalize the playing field for those who do not, the question of whether or not one must apologize or feel guilt for being privileged in ways that one did not ask for, are cause for further discussion and in some cases, arguments. Given all that's happening currently within the world, and more closely here in our own country, the issue of privilege and the privilege framework has begun to receive attention
Read more

"Killing" My Darlings

Image
Whenever I write creatively, I face two major criticisms. The first, "You write beautifully, but do not always tell a story," and the second, "sometimes you need to know when to 'kill' your darlings." The second is one I am having a hard time with right now in the current piece I'm writing. I've changed the title multiple times...right now it's "Whiskey Confessions," or something like that...but it's still not done...and the problem is, I'm becoming unsure of how to fix it. I cut the half that interrupted the flow of the narrative and I've focused in more closely on the two characters, because I want to use omniscience. It was my goal this semester in fiction class to write a piece with omniscience, limited or complete, just omniscience. One problem I face is that my professor feels omniscience is "too much to attempt in a short story," but I don't agree. I've seen many short stories this semester that have
Read more