"Killing" My Darlings

Whenever I write creatively, I face two major criticisms. The first, "You write beautifully, but do not always tell a story," and the second, "sometimes you need to know when to 'kill' your darlings." The second is one I am having a hard time with right now in the current piece I'm writing. I've changed the title multiple times...right now it's "Whiskey Confessions," or something like that...but it's still not done...and the problem is, I'm becoming unsure of how to fix it. I cut the half that interrupted the flow of the narrative and I've focused in more closely on the two characters, because I want to use omniscience. It was my goal this semester in fiction class to write a piece with omniscience, limited or complete, just omniscience. One problem I face is that my professor feels omniscience is "too much to attempt in a short story," but I don't agree. I've seen many short stories this semester that have utilized an omniscient perspective and used it effectively. Of course, I've also seen those stories that have proven my professor's point completely. When Connie May Fowler, one of my favorite writers came to read at school, I was hoping listening to her answers during the Q&A would reveal something life-altering...or at least piece-altering, but I was frustrated to find that although her latest novel, How Clarissa Burden Learned to Fly is omniscient (she even writes from the perspective of a fly), she discouraged me from trying to utilize the same omniscience in my own piece. She said she would never suggest anyone use omniscience. I love her, so the contradiction there will remain unspoken...but I found this discouraging, since I was still in the process of deciding "whose story" I was trying to tell. It seemed obvious when my piece first took shape that I was telling Diane's story after she moves to get away from a life of bad choices in men...my first working title was "The Dog Days are Over?"

Even then I had to use a question mark, because I still couldn't clearly pin down my character. While the workshop in class was not as bleak as I'd imagined it would be, I did have some people ask me if Diane was supposed to be so passive. One boy in class gave me a disgusted look when he suggested that she "lived her life through different relationships," and asked me if "that was really the kind of character I wanted to portray." The answer is simple...yes. This was one reason I loved Connie May's new book...because her protagonist, Clarissa reminds me of Diane in ways. Although Clarissa is a marginally famous novelist in her own right and she's smart and beautiful, she doesn't see any of that and allows her talentless, over-bearing husband to oppress her until close to the end of the novel. I wanted to know how Connie May could pull off the kind of character I was trying to make Diane into so effortlessly, and my character was left looking passive and being unlikeable. I tried making Diane aggressive, but then she was just a bitch who even I, as the writer could not make excuses for. In order to give her a soul and stir-up some sympathy I put her in an abusive relationship...the morning my draft was due I took it a step further and killed her boyfriend, opening the story with her standing at his grave and much of the action in flashbacks.

So I don't have a problem killing people, at least in the fiction sense, but I usually employ death at the beginning or the end. It's when people express a wish to "know more" about the dead character rather than let me use him or her as a plot construct, that the writing becomes trickier and more difficult to navigate. I go back to write the character's history, and then I start to like them...even if I don't like them, I have to ask myself if this character, who I've given life to really deserves to die as nothing more than a plot construct to get the narrative going. Is it fair? Well, life isn't fair...should fiction be? So I killed Dom, and had Diane standing at his grave. According to my class, that was inarguably one of the better scenes I wrote for the story. Ironically, I wrote the entire portion they liked so much an hour or so before class the day it was due. I was so stubborn about including the part I'd already written a month ago, that I didn't take the time to consider whether the part really fit or not. I mean, I knew that's where I wanted it to end...but did I know the character well enough yet to know if she was really heading in that direction? No.

So I cut the second part and killed Dom, the sweet boyfriend who saved Diane from an abusive home and then became an abuser thanks to his (personified) "friend," Johnny Walker who likes to lounge on Dom's futon while they curse at hockey games. The problem with Dom being an abuser, was that to understand Diane's passivity to his abuse (which in her, and my defense, only got physical once before he left the story), one had to understand her past. But I REFUSED to go back and write her life, because then I'd be even further off on a tangent than I currently was...so what to do? OH, I KNOW, I'll add omniscience, because that's what every cluster fuck of a story needs when the storyline is failing miserably, you have a character who is so passive people question whether she's realistic and you have NO idea how to show action without a flashback...because let's face it, everything's a flashback if you start with a character's death and have someone musing throughout the story on that character's life. If I had wanted to move Diane forward, the action would have become present, a tense that for some reason I do not often employ in writing, but I didn't want to move her forward. I was still writing towards the second half where she moves to Twin Falls, Idaho, a town I googled and researched the agriculture of for the "sweet, stable farmer," she meets later on in a quaint diner. Even I knew that it wasn't going to work...that I was telling two completely different stories and it would take some MASSIVE revision to bring them back together, but like I said, I was being stubborn and until a few nights ago, and probably somewhere in another file still, I had it saved on my computer.

So now I've killed both Dom and Stan the farmer, but somehow I don't feel guilty about either of their deaths, particularly Stan's. My favorite editor in class, and I use the term favorite sarcastically, told me that Stan was "every 14-year old's checklist of the kind of guy they dreamed of meeting one day." I don't know about other 14 year old girls, but aside from the fact that at 14, I was too busy hating myself and the changes my body and mind were going through to focus on boys, I don't think I'd ever "dreamed" of meeting a stable, sweet farmer in Idaho. I think if anything, Prince Charming, ala the Disney version was closer to my, and I imagine, most other girls's, dream guys at that time...but what do I know? I'm only female...it should be noted my editor was male...so I'm unsure how he knows what any girl at 14 dreams about...anyway, that's a digression.

So I killed Dom...I made him jump off the Brooklyn Bridge after disappearing for a week after the initial violence between him and Diane. And of course, I had Diane waiting for him to come back, as any good passive, female character would wait for her abusive, but loving boyfriend. Like I said, I was determined to find a place for omniscience, and now that I'd efficiently murdered Stan and the second half of the story, I didn't have to worry about going off on a tangent in Idaho, although for awhile, I wanted to have Diane take out her anger over Dom's death and her own childhood abuse on a junker in Idaho...that was the result of reading an article on "bashing" therapy in Mexico where apparently they feel it is psychologically beneficial to lead groups to junk yards and destroy junkers. While this was finally the violence my readers were looking for in my story, I decided to stay the hell out of Idaho and stay safely nestled away in Queens. So instead of having Diane bash a car, I decided it was time to give Dom some of my attention, since everyone in class decided his only defining feature in the first draft was "drunk." The biggest problem they had with Dom was that they didn't understand why Diane loved him so much...so I wrote in a small verbal fight after he gets fired where she wants to help him look for a job and he snaps at her that he "doesn't need her." Cue violin music, tears and the voice of Diane's mother ringing in her ears that she is "completely worthless and no one will ever want her." Of course, Dom knows about her past, so he apologizes and I end the scene with them spooning, which is kind of smarmy, but at least I don't try to write the beautifully poignant makeup sex scene that many writers try for. I know for a fact, I would fail at writing a sex scene. This is the one and only time I will quote Dennis Lehane; "Unless you've had sex 1000 times, do not try and write a sex scene. Even then, try having sex 1001 times before you write about it." I think he's right...and I think even with having that much sex, no one should try to write a sex scene...unless it's a Harlequin and I know from the busty girl and bare-chested guy on the cover that sex is all that story is moving towards. I'm not a prude, I don't have an issue with sexual content in movies or books...I just know personally, I don't like writing sex scenes because they're awkward. Maybe if a sex scene were written from real life it would be less so, but I know in real life just when something is about to get serious, I'd crack a joke...and in a "serious" and "moving," sex scene in my story, I don't think it would work to have my characters cracking jokes...so for my own fiction, I opt out of the sex scene and either have them spoon or I change the scene altogether. I felt for people to understand why she loves Dom so much, they needed to understand the sense of security she feels with him. That despite the fact that he knows about her past and he knows how messed up she is, that he isn't running away and that he wants to be close to her (but not TOO close).

So now where am I? Oh yes, focusing on Dom. So I have Dom grab Diane's house keys and rush out the door right after he chokes her...I'm still undecided on what exactly she says or does that causes him to snap, but it's not going to be something big...I don't think it needs to be, he's so obviously wasted with Johnny that I think any little thing would throw him over the edge...then just as quickly as it starts, it's over and he realizes what he's done and he feels the guilt...so he runs away. I suppose I should say he "staggers" away, because for continuity's sake, he's probably not completely sober yet...anyways, he runs out of the building and down into the street. He forgets his jacket so he's cold and there are puddles everywhere from a frigid rain earlier that night. He gauges time by noting how the other people on the street are walking; if they are stumbling, obviously the bars are closed...if not, there's a chance he can still find a bar to troll in. He sees a pay phone and decides to call the only friend he has locally, a guy he used to work with. His friend, Adam tells him to come over and he can crash there for the night...so Dom starts the long, cold walk...but then, UH OH, Dom sees the neon sign of an open bar across the street. To his credit, and despite his half-drunken mind, he does yell at himself that a drink is the last thing he needs...but then he steps in a puddle and that feels like the world is telling him to go fuck himself...so he decides to. He runs across the street to the bar. The first time I wrote this scene he made it to the bar, last night I had a teenager speeding down the road in a '95 Civic hit him. So now Dom is laying on his back looking up into the sky, cursing to himself because through the smog of Queens he can't see the stars. The teen, who shall remain nameless, lest I begin another tangent story, is freaked out, probably because it's not his car and his dad is going to kill him...I don't really know and I'm trying not to ask myself why. Anyways, Dom is laying on the ground, but he doesn't feel like he's just been hit by a car. He sits up and pushes the kid away, telling to be "more fucking careful next time, asshole," and proceeds towards the bar, that he now notices is called "Leon's." I'm actually looking to rename the place something more symbolic...because as you may have now guess...Dom is, in fact dead. Suicide never really made sense to me...and I wrote it into the first draft because it was convenient, which sounds morbid, but trust me...I needed Dom to just off himself. So without a really serious motivation behind suicide, I needed another way for him to die. Then, being the genius I am, I decided after reading another short story for class from our book that my story lacked "zany" characters. I need someone who's going to shake up Dom's world...or do I? Maybe it would just be enough to have him go into the bar and reunite with some people...specifically his mother, who he loved...or his father, who he hates and doesn't talk to anymore. In fact, I don't even know if his father is still alive...hmmmm...food for thought. Anywho, I want him to go into the bar and meet someone, kind of like The Five People You'll Meet in Heaven, but less smarmy and god-questioning.

Now here's where the omniscience becomes challenging for my short story...is Diane still sitting back their living room? Is she crying? Has she finally decided she's had enough and he's an ass? And HOW in the WORLD am I going to transition back to her?

I've already figured out the new scene where she discovers he's dead...there will be police lights flashing, yellow tape everywhere and an AED may or may not be involved...but it probably will be...after I do more research on what happens on the scene of an accident. So, Dom isn't dead...he's just kind of in limbo. But what will he learn in limbo from whoever he meets? Will the story end happily? I don't think there's any way to take the Diane I have now and have her come to a complete awakening. I definitely do not think that her finding her boyfriend "dead" in the street being strapped to a gurney is going to make her realize, "why am I wasting my time with guy?" and have her become an I-am-woman-hear-me-roar, Feminist. She's not a Feminist, which is funny, because almost all of my characters have been...but she isn't...and she doesn't aspire to be. She wants to be safe, and obviously being a Feminist is not the safest of positions a woman could choose. So this is where I am now: Dom's in the bar about to meet someone and Diane is back at home pacing. She's going to end up out in the street and see the EMTs working on him...and I think that's where the two stories come back together. Whether Dom learns something life-altering or something simple that's been there all along has yet to be determined, but I think it's safe to say he's not really dead...because this is one darling whose death doesn't serve as great of a purpose in my story as his life will.